I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
