did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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