i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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