Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
