hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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