The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
