I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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