Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
