my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
