I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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