either way he was missing a nipple.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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