ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
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