What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Randomize
