living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
