it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
