I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
