Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
