He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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