He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
