I must be too annoying 4 u.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
