Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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