Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
