At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
