U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
