do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
