I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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