my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
