Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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