tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
