He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
