last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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