You can't special order awesome
I love having hate sex.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I can't trust your balls anymore.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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