She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
