Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
