Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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