I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
