Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
this boner is exhausting
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
i think i just lost a toe
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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