I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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