i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
