Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
