well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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