Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
