chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
