She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Randomize
