I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
