I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
