Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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