now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
