She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
