I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
