She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
